Journal Entry: Pouring In

Here I am again
With a lover, my best friend
Feeling of disconnection
Powerless I seem b/c of the powers that be
Love seemingly gains power over me

By the heart, brings me to my knees
Til I’m actin out, defensive & start to scream
tell me Why do you want to hurt me?

You said we happened on purpose
Not by chance, but then say we’re a mistake
This was an accident & I was really a red flag
How can you claim to love me but ever treat me this bad?

I mean really, like as a man?
Why would you rather hurt your woman
than to play your role & take a stand…

Standards of yours got readjusted
We both needed realignment
But, yet my feelings seem confined
My mind suffers from the confinement

I just wanted to be honest
It meant more to me to be true
True love from me onto you
Since that’s really what I needed too

But you complicated things for me
Not knowing who I really am
Or what you’re really doing
Struggling to take me seriously
That is, til it matters to you
And no longer to me

All too often do I sit & just think
That’s what it’ll take for you to finally see
Maybe you do deserve a woman like me

So here I am losing patience
Getting more frustrated with you by the day
Cuz now you’re putting more tears than smiles
on my weathered pretty face

You wanna connect with my body
before connecting with my soul, my mind
Then wonder why I seem withdrawn,
frustrated & unhappy most of the time

The proof is in the pudding
I really don’t understand what you don’t see
I feel my pain turn to rage I’m drowning in defeat

I’m strung out on these illusions
Somebody help me please
But help is really what I need

I need to rely on me & me only
All this time I’ve been pouring into you
I need to be pouring into me